I said I would talk about how it is 4 days after embryo transfer but I just can’t wait that long. Today has been wreaking havoc with my emotions. I wish everyone would stop asking me if I feel any different. No- absolutely not and that is what is reducing me to a sniveling mess of tears at the most random times. So.. if you don’t want me to burst out crying- stop asking me. Day 3 is when I got a terrible feeling I just can’t shake that it hadn’t worked. I am angry. Angry is such a negative emotion it is hard for me to say it out loud. What or who am I angry at? I am angry at pregnant people who got pregnant the first time they tried, at ones who get to hold babies (I know that sounds horrible), at something just stopping me from enjoying a pleasure in life, and most of all that no matter what I go through nothing is working. Tonight I feel defeated. My husband is always hopeful- he believes in his dream premonitions and I certainly do not. He dreamed I held a positive test. I just don’t want to hear it anymore.
The Death of Someone I never Met
How do you explain this kind of loss to someone? Flashback to August 25th, 2020. At 8.5 weeks my world was shattered with the spoken words “Your baby has no heartbeat”. It was a routine ultrasound. No pain, no reason to worry. Even Adam wasn’t there. I stared up at the ceiling and begged God to spare my baby. Bargaining was my first step of the grief process.
From August 25th to October 2021st, life revolved around my mental health. I was a zombie, a shadow of my former self. I barely ate or drank and stared ahead with glassy, tear stained eyes. School teaching was nonexistent. I barely spoke a word and by the time I went back to school, I was still passing clots and the pain was unbearable without a hefty dose of 800mg of Ibuprofen. When I was at school, I couldn’t teach. There was no reason to be there anymore but I still kept coming back because I believed the kids needed me.
Fast forward to 12/22/21- I am finally ready… ready to try again. I start my process tomorrow. I already had lab work and now tomorrow is a saline ultrasound. We are ready to do the transfer in January.
Update 7/17 First FET IVF cycle
Ok… so I haven’t updated in a long time. So many things have transpired let me try to catch you up to date. We just finished our first cycle of IVF. Yes- that super long process of sticking needles in your stomach three times a day. I counted 24 shots in about 11 days! Then finally came egg retrieval. Usually they let the husband in to watch but not with the pandemic going on. Did I mention how hard it is to go through IVF in the middle of a pandemic?? I sat in a cubicle while they tried to stick me several times. The fertility doctor doing the surgery was pregnant! I just can’t seem to get away from it. I pretended she wasn’t by keeping my eyes on her face not her stomach. As I drifted off to sleep. a nurse was holding my hand. The next thing I knew the doctor was telling me they retrieved 48 eggs! I asked her to repeat it twice. Over the next few days the number quickly dwindled down. We found out 32 were mature, 17 had fertilized and by the time day 5 had come, only 4 had made it. The ones we had were good, we were told. They grade them based on letters. The first letter is the cells of the baby and the second is the grade of the placenta. A is the best and C is the worst. Our embryos were graded as AB, BB, BB, BB.
Our doctor decided a frozen embryo transfer would be best. So we started our super long.. or at least it felt long process of estrogen for several weeks and then progesterone shots. If you aren’t familiar with progesterone shots- they are literally the worst shot on the planet. They go into a muscle so you could get a needle size anywhere from 1-1.5 inches long which freaked the heck out of me! They don’t really hurt that much going in but soon you will feel it. The first shot I did left a gigantic bruise and a really sore hip. The soreness never really goes away and sometimes you’ll have lumps under the skin. More about these terrible shots later. I still have to be doing these- they really aren’t going away anytime soon.
After that came embryo transfer. This was a walk in the park compared to egg retrieval. I sat in the same cubicle as egg retrieval and they brought out of picture of the embryo. They gave me Valium but I really didn’t start to get loopy until near the end. Embryo transfer was surreal in that I watched the entire thing. I got to see the embryo on a screen and watch it go into the catheter. Have to mention having a giant lamp shine on your privates in a room of three people felt totally awkward but the coolness of watching the embryo kind of made it better. Tomorrow is day 4 after embryo transfer. More about that tomorrow.
It’s ok to cry
Sometimes, I’m ashamed of my ability to cry at the sight of a baby or hearing a baby cry. Maybe we are conditioned to look down on weakness. Is it that subconsciously we believe that only the strong will survive, and to survive in the world we must get rid of an outward appearance of our sorrow? I don’t know. I wish I did so that maybe I could control it. I know I’m a control freak which is part of the reason I’m having so much trouble with this. This is the one thing I can’t control.
I feel bad for saying I dread church sometimes… but I do. Babies sit in front of you, you walk by pregnant women and wish it was you. I go to a small church so it is unavoidable. That doesn’t mean I don’t try. Good luck on trying to listen to the pastor. All you can concentrate on is the baby in front of you, listening to the soft cries and watching the mother smile and rock her baby. Today I hid out in the bathroom until I thought I was strong enough to sit back down in the pew because I felt my tears rolling down my cheeks before I could stop it.
During the service, I sat slightly turned away from the baby and pretended I didn’t see it so I could try to control my tears. It didn’t work. I was reduced to a sniffling mess by the end of the service. I wished I was invisible today but the truth is probably no one noticed. Even if they did, I must remind myself it is ok to cry.
What not to say to someone with Infertility
I hate for people to think they are walking on eggshells when I talk to them about my infertility but there are certain words and phrases make me cringe when I hear them. Most people have no idea how to make me feel better and don’t know what to say. Usually it’s not malicious in intent.
“There are so much worse things… like cancer or death of a loved one”. You think I don’t know that there are terrible things out there? Yeah.. I know… but it makes me feel my feelings are invalid and that the personal hell I’m going through isn’t bad enough to make me sad, mad, frustrated, angry, etc.
“I know how you feel”. This only makes me cringe when I talk to people that pop out children easily. No… you don’t know how I feel if you haven’t experienced it. There is nothing that can prepare you with the possibility that nothing might work… that you might be childless for the rest of your life.
“Well… just relax and it’ll happen”. No. There is a medical problem that cannot be fixed by just relaxing.
“Well at least you still have your freedom”. I would die to not have “that freedom”.
I’m sure there is so much more if I thought about it but here are phrases just off the top of my head. Here is actually how people can help me that don’t know what to say or haven’t been through what I have been through. Pray and just listen. If you don’t know what to say.. that’s ok just listen while I vent or share what is happening in my life. Sometimes that’s all I need.
My First Blog post
Ok… deep breath- here it goes. I took a giant step outside my comfort zone doing this blog. I usually am a private person. Yeah- I know what you’re thinking. How private could I be if I’m sharing something so personal as infertility. There are several reasons why I started this. One- is that when I first started going through this process, I looked for first person accounts of this process. There is nothing worse than trying to get information about this topic and getting nothing but a cold, clinical picture of the medical process of this whole thing. No information about how this could be mentally traumatic, exhausting and humiliating.
Second, I started this blog for a more selfish reason… so I can avoid talking out loud about this whole ordeal. For whatever reason, call it the hormones or plain emotions or whatever- I start crying, getting mad or upset about the journey. This is just a way for me to share what is going on with me without having to explain it in words. I don’t ever want people to feel sorry for me reading this- but I thought it would just be easier than the questions I get about how this whole ordeal is going.
Here is how my whole journey started. I have been married to my wonderful husband for a year and a half. We got married June 2nd 2018. I knew in the beginning that I had a problem since I had abnormal periods. They were so irregular that I could never tell when I would get them so we started trying early. We have been in actual treatments since September though. Although we are already three cycles in, I feel as if this has lasted forever. There are so many things that are hard in this process but here is one I’ll mention right now: There is no person to tell you when this will all be over. No finish line to cross, no guarantee that all these treatments will work. I think that is one of the hardest things.
My Fertility Journey 