Sometimes, I’m ashamed of my ability to cry at the sight of a baby or hearing a baby cry. Maybe we are conditioned to look down on weakness. Is it that subconsciously we believe that only the strong will survive, and to survive in the world we must get rid of an outward appearance of our sorrow? I don’t know. I wish I did so that maybe I could control it. I know I’m a control freak which is part of the reason I’m having so much trouble with this. This is the one thing I can’t control.
I feel bad for saying I dread church sometimes… but I do. Babies sit in front of you, you walk by pregnant women and wish it was you. I go to a small church so it is unavoidable. That doesn’t mean I don’t try. Good luck on trying to listen to the pastor. All you can concentrate on is the baby in front of you, listening to the soft cries and watching the mother smile and rock her baby. Today I hid out in the bathroom until I thought I was strong enough to sit back down in the pew because I felt my tears rolling down my cheeks before I could stop it.
During the service, I sat slightly turned away from the baby and pretended I didn’t see it so I could try to control my tears. It didn’t work. I was reduced to a sniffling mess by the end of the service. I wished I was invisible today but the truth is probably no one noticed. Even if they did, I must remind myself it is ok to cry.
My Fertility Journey 